The gifts we give

It may well be that few of us know what love is.  Or, what love is is different every time we're so lucky as to feel it.  It's one of those things that can lose its power simply by being voiced.  And more often than not, voicing it creates a lack, a vacuum in space where before, there was none.

Love is a gift as much to the person feeling it as to the one who inspires it.  Yet, it doesn't always unfold neatly, symmetrically, predictably.  It's an unruly, imposing, hungry animal that refuses to lie quietly once present.  And in the presence of this animal, bad feelings find a space to sit, in the cracks between one person and the other.

I make space for the gifts I'm able to give the one I love, and the gifts he gives to me.
For whatever reason, I need to make these words direct.

You honor me by affording me the safety to adventure those hungry words out of my mouth, without needing to be satisfied in return with the same.  You care for me so in letting me share with you my reality.  You validate me with every other word.  You validate me wordlessly.

These gifts I can give: Refuge in knowing that I ask nothing of you that I don't already receive.  Clarity in seeing all you do satisfy, thrill and fulfill me.  Comfort to navigate your reality at your own pace, on your own terms, not feeling the teeth of my hungry animal at your heels.

There is no space here for cracks to be filled with bad feelings.

What space I have is already full of the love I feel for you, and all of the reasons why.

Straight on 'til morning

In Peter Pan, the trick to flying is harnessing the power of joy.  What inspires that joy in each individual is secret and unique,  but everyone is the same in possessing somewhere inside them a trove of lovely, magical thoughts.

Often in my life my mental clarity positively sparkles at the very same moment that I'm engaged in mucking every darn thing up.  It's hard to understand how insight can fail people so reliably, and trying to gain insight into the shortcomings of insight makes my brain feel like a tangled ball of yarn.  I can say with confidence and without much concern that I don't find the human animal to be logical, and in fact believe that he can be relied upon to do many illogical things just because they're more interesting choices than their alternatives. 

But back to Peter Pan, happy thoughts, and my life.  Today I found that happy thought that has the power to move me.

It has come to my attention that I can fly.

Ten Joys

Thanksgiving is a month away, I know.  No matter.

I give thanks for these:

My wonderful slankets, both solo and double-wide.

A warm cup of tea between my palms.

Cats in windows, who reaffirm my most hopeful beliefs in humanity.

Patience, of which I somehow always have enough.

Strong haunches.

A lower threshold for delight than for distress.

Family who try to understand me.

Friends who genuinely love me.

A lover who genuinely likes me.

And that grandest 8-bit ghost of them all, King Boo.

Do not miss your chance to glow

You have just one life, so they say.

Be brave.  Know and trust in the truths of your world.  Choose to act with honor.  What's easy is rarely the same as what's right.

Integrity is something even the best of us must pursue lifelong with all our hearts.  You are as well equipped as anyone to be the best.

They say this, too:  You only have one shot.

Secret Secrets

A central idea in my life for at least the last year has been, as someone dear to me often says, "do something different."  I tend to frame it as, having never done _______ is no reason not to start doing it now.

This way of thinking comes in handy for things like the development of new hobbies (rowing) and patterns of behavior (walking instead of driving, cooking my own food), but just the general attitude of openness to the unfamiliar also seems to filter into other dimensions of my life, as an employee, a friend, a partner.

It's hard to tease out exactly what the difference is, but somewhere between the well-meaning, deferent act of accommodating others and the happenstance of actually reshaping expectations to complement what others expect and are able to give, lies, for me, the invisible threshold between dissatisfaction and contentment.

This last revelation leads me to another secret that I'm willing to share–that flexibility, friends, is the key to happiness.

Really and truly.

Up through the atmosphere, Up where the air is clear

Sometimes, I'm Mary Poppins.

Today the celestial winds are swirling. 

My skin sack is whispering,

Step out of me.  Stash me in your carpet bag.  Take off.  Go somewhere else, be someone else, just for a little while.  I'll stay clean and safe and ready to take you in my arms when you get back.  Go, go.  Go.

Gone.

I can't tell you what it really is

I can only tell you what it feels like.

And right now, that's

Joy.

Twitterpation is Hard Science

Falling in love is awesome. I know it, you know it, hopefully your mom knows it. No need to expound on that.

What's on my mind today is this crazy thing that happens while falling in love, which is something like.... mitosis? Is that something that anyone else ever thinks about?

This is the shit that goes down when cells essentially clone themselves. One parent cell turns itself into two, both alike in dignity, just as complete as the one from which they came. It's one of the more dumbfounding things that happen inside the human body. (Don't even get me started on the renal system.)

So, the way I feel is, when I fall in love, and globules of sunshine are bubbling up my esophagus, and my eyes are twinkling like the stars in the firmament, there is so much to go around!

I think, How wonderful my family is! How indispensable my friends! How treasured the kinship I feel with humankind!

There's something about the suddenness of romantic love that sends an electric jolt to your heart, making you want to bounce off the walls and run skipping through the forest with the joy of the surprise of this precious connection that so soon before didn't even exist.

But if this thing that's new and embryonic warrants such enthusiasm, what about the whos and whats that you already know the marvels of, inside and out? Doesn't it hammer home the dearness of the significant others in your life and make you wish you had a banner exclaiming how much you cherish them, streaming across the sky? Doesn't it just make you want to throw your arms around everyone you see?

You know that expression, love begets love?

I get it.

Beauty surrounds you, The world astounds you

How badly does the human heart want things to be the way they're "supposed to"? Expectations chain us to desire for things we may have no power to control, and may never achieve.

We can't be lovers, but I invested in you, so we'll be caring friends instead.

But I don't really care about you, and I don't need or want your friendship.

Because this is what I've wanted and worked for, I will achieve it and it will make me happy.

But I may never achieve this. Or, I am happy without it. Or, both.

Everything will work out in the end.

But a life with sadness, tragedy or an unhappy ending isn't a cosmic error or cruel joke, it's just a life. As is one with great satisfaction, wonder and joy. And usually, we get to experience both.

Perhaps it isn't plausible to be free from desire, particularly desire to make sense of our struggles by predicting for ourselves comforting (/comforting ourselves with predictable) resolutions to such.

But what a noble cardiac exercise to pursue freedom from expectation,
freedom from a need for the formula to balance out for us to feel the hand we've been dealt is fair,
freedom to be honest with ourselves and each other,
freedom to accept the unpredictable highs and lows of living without feeling entitled or cheated...

Don't you think?

Magic

Don't test the universe. Or, do test the universe, but be ready to recognize and be wowed by its immediate and direct response.

You want sparkles? Don't freak when you wake up one morning and the world looks like a friggin' Lisa Frank illustration.

Waiting for some monkey god to send you a signal from a hole in the sky? Look up. The sky's gonna open. The fireworks will be real.

Magic is everywhere. Out in the open, all the time. What a joy it is to live.